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I thought it was about time to write something for the Porsche Driver that doesn't go to the track. This article is for all those enthusiasts that always seem to find themselves on the tiny little back roads whenever the mood strikes. This sometimes exposes the Porsche Drivers to some pretty extraordinary things. In particular I am talking about LAWN ORNAMENTS. You've got it! Those brightly colored, works of art that always makes you ask yourself, "Where the heck did they find that and why did they buy it!" Now that spring is here these rejects of craft fairs are popping up everywhere. Maybe it's because their lawn isn't green yet and they want some color. Or maybe it's the old problem of no taste. Either way it sure can be entertaining. So here is my PORSCHE DRIVER'S GUIDE TO LAWN ORNAMENTS & 1001 THINGS TO DO WITH PANSIES. As a way of organizing these I have decided to list the different ornaments by their degree of tackiness not alphabetically. I can't be held accountable for my definition of tacky in the ordering of these items. Also under stand that not all lawn ornaments are tacky. Some are nice, some are tasteful, some can be elegant and some can really piss off that annoying neighbor. Who says art can't be used as a weapon. But before I get into the meat of this article I would like to address some other problems with home decorating. First of all, when are you supposed to take down Christmas wreaths? It appears to me to be just before they burst into flames and the red bow turns white from sun bleaching. It's almost May and there are a half dozen houses out here with wreaths still out. One house has one in their entryway that has been there from 2 Christmas' ago. It must be fake (I hope)! People also buy these really cool reindeer for the front lawn and then realize they have no place to store them for the other 10 months so the leave them out all year. But they look good! OK here we go and we start off with what I consider the tackiest and most politically incorrect lawn ornaments ever. Please excuse me if I refer to some of these incorrectly. I call them as I see them. 1. Little Al Jolson type Guy Holding a Lantern - We all know what kinds of people have these types of ornaments so I won't dwell on this any longer. This also holds true for people that put out the Sleeping Mexicans with Big Sombreros. 2. The Chubby Butt in the Red Polka-Dot Dress Working in the Garden - However humorous this can be I would really like to meet the person that first thought of this one. Was it a chubby-butted woman that wanted her neighbors to know just how much she loved her garden or perhaps the dirty old man that likes to sneak up on chubby-butted women in the garden? Gives a whole new meaning to a garden hoe. 3. Black Silhouettes - These are very similar to the above but with much more versatility. I have seen everything from the Marlboro man, complete with a real bandana, to my neighbor's dog chasing a cat up a tree. Boy, who would have thought you could have so much fun with a piece of plywood, an electric saw and black paint. I don't imagine we have seen all of the possibilities yet. The real treat is the house with 4 or 5 different ones all around the yard. It's like they aren't ready for the 3rd dimension just yet. 4. Inside Out, Painted Tire Planters - This is probably the oldest form of lawn art short of Buicks but there are still some fine examples out there that get a fresh coat of paint every year. First of all, who ever have thought to herself, "Hey, if I make a bunch of cuts in the top of that old tire I might be able to turn it inside out and put pansies in it"? Makes perfect sense to me. Planters are a huge category and can come in just about every shape and size. Some are cool and some are shall I say, the only way to hide trash that the town won't pick up. I have seen old clawfoot bathtubs filled with pansies too. I guess pansies grow better in stupid stuff. You would never see anyone plant roses in an old bathtub, just pansies. 5. Plastic Lawn Animals - This category is really big. Let's see I have seen deer, geese, bunnies, squirrels, a family of ducks (that suspiciously move around the yard but never get older), skunks, snails, turtles and frogs. I personally have a concrete frog next to my water garden that was a gift (honest). Some critters can be cool but I prefer the ones that don't try to be realistic. I love the idea of having catatonic geese in my front yard. 6. Trolls & Gnomes - Usually these are not bought, unless they are found in an antique shop, but instead are made by someone that likes doing ceramics. There is a classic set of dwarfs that are available for the average ceramic artist to paint and fire. I will admit that if done right these can be kind of cute but they have to be in the right garden setting. I suppose I feel this way because my mom did the entire set and I think of her when I see some. 7. Stone Lions (or most likely concrete) - Typically you see these in front of the double wides. They are put there in an attempt to make the wheels less obvious. Then you get the people who think they can paint them to look life like. Ya, right, on what planet? I will say that the original versions of these, the ones found in granite and marble, have a place in older architecture but they never drove me wild. 8. Miniature Fake Well with Pansies in the Bucket - Please, is there anyone out there that think these work? I don't understand these. There is a guy in town that will actually move his from place to place in an attempt to see where it looks the best. Either that or the well has running water. 9. Birds/Roadrunners with Rotating Wings - Again, plywood and a saw, what a dangerous combination. I suppose the attraction to these is the ability to point in the direction the wind is blowing. Of course it never occurred to them to watch their underwear on the clothesline for the wind direction. 10. Banners & Interchangeable Holiday Flags - Some one, some where is making a ton of money. You can't walk down the street without seeing these brightly colored declarations of festiveness. I guess the ones that bother me the most are the ones that have a word on them. I hate having them read from only one direction. I think these should be designs only. Nobody cares if you love spring or even if you're Irish. They even make one with pansies on it just in case you don't have an old tire, an old bathtub or a fake well with a bucket. 11. Mirrored Garden Globes - I believe these to be very old in origin because I remember seeing these as a kid not knowing what they were for. Martha Stewart didn't invent them. I don't have one of these but I have always loved looking at them. Maybe it's because I look better with a humungus nose and lips. The key to these is where you put them. They only seem to work in a nice garden setting. Too often they set alone in the middle of the lawn or next to a birdbath. That is a sure way to freak out a self-conscious chickadee. I will admit there is one application I have never seen but it makes perfect sense (to me). Why not put one at the end of your driveway so as your backing out you can see if anybody is coming from all 360 degrees. You never know when that Cessna is going to land on your street just as you are backing out. 12. Pink Flamingoes - OK lets give it up
for the classic lawn ornament. They look just as at home in front of the
mansion as they do in front of the doublewide. Never has such versatility
graced a hunk of molded plastics with steel rods as legs. The best part
is they come in 2 body styles and only 1 colors so there is very little
involved in picking the right one for your particular application. My mom
gave me the full set when I finally finished building my house back in
1991. The sad thing was someone stole them about a week later. One showed
up several months after that but was never the same without his buddy.
I never had the heart to buy more. What if I lost them again? I just couldn't
bear it.
Of course there are other ornaments, in
fact just about anything left in the front yard can be declared an ornament.
The real treats are when you happen upon multi-ornamented yards. There
is a house by Virginia International Raceway that is an explosion of color
but they can't seem to grow any grass so it kind of balances.
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