As I write this, my tires have barely cooled down after the two-day autocross at Fort Devens. What a fun time I had! I made a few minor upgrades to my 968, which seem to have given me a competitive advantage. Doug Adams suggested that I write this month’s column about the modifications, but I haven’t quite sorted everything out yet, so I’ll write that one at a later date. Besides, I want to keep the competition guessing, right? Sorry Charlie and Steve! Are these cars great or what? Every time I drive my Porsche at an autocross or at the track, I’m impressed by how these cars can perform so well, not to mention looking great too. Like any high performance exotic machine though, they do have a few quirky design attributes. Here are a few thoughts on that. And now for 60 minutes with Randy Ooney: tick tick tick tick tick tick tick… When I was a youngster, my parents owned American cars. The fuel gauge was labeled “E”, “1/2” and “F”. People understood this. It made sense. Porsches have fuel gauges too. They read something like “R”, “2/4” and “4/4”. That’s just plain weird. These Germans are supposed to be pretty good engineers, right? Then how come they don’t know that 2/4 equals 1/2? Sure, Americans are a bit strange, we drive on the parkway and park on the driveway, but at least we know that 4/4 equals 1. Though it doesn’t make sense, I can however read the fuel gauge, not like other parts of my car adorned with those ergonomic, universal, confusing, maddening icons. I have switches everywhere in my cars with all kinds of circles, dotted lines, squiggle and other pictograms. I have no idea what they mean. Wouldn’t you rather have a switch labeled “rear wiper” than have to choose from an array of nonsensical artwork? Do I need to get a degree in Egyptian Hieroglyphics to operate my car? Are they too cheap to make switches in different languages for different countries? Maybe they just figure nobody knows how to read anymore. Sometimes I read the want ads and see used cars advertised as being “adult owned.” I never understood this. Are there cars that are owned by children? This might explain those pictogram buttons. Many toys for young children have similar buttons with pictures of puppy dogs and such. I might prefer to buy one of those children-owned cars actually. It probably wouldn’t have too many miles on it, just some lollipops and chocolate stuck to the seats. There is another strange trend in auto design. I call it the great engine cover-up. On the new Porsches, the engines are hard to see because of where they are located. But what about those front-engined cars from BMW, Mercedes or any other maker? Well, they don’t want you to see their engines either. All the manufacturers these days are covering these engines with black plastic. In the old days, you’d dress up an engine with fancy valve covers or a carburetor. Now they all have black plastic covers. What are they trying to hide? Another thing that bugs me is when cars tell me what to do. I’m the one that’s supposed to be in charge, right? Then how come I can’t turn off my airbag if I want to put a kid in the front seat, or if I have to sit close to the steering wheel because of short legs? And how come every time I get out of a car at night, I stand there in the dark or the rain waiting for the dome or headlights to turn off before I can go inside. Who do they think they’re helping? And what about those doors that lock when you put your car in gear? I never asked for that! Thank God I don’t have one of those motorized seatbelts that run back and forth like a mouse across the top of the door. That would drive me crazy! That’s all I have to complain about for today. ‘Til next week, I’m Randy Ooney and this is 60 minutes. Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick…